Valentine’s Day Blues Shawl

Or how I fought off the it’s  Valentine’s Day, I’m all alone again blues…

So, my sweetie was in New York on a business trip and I was all alone on Valentine’s Day this year. I decided that instead of feeling bad I was going to do something new and fun and for myself. Thus was born the following project.

I have never made a shawl before, being intimidated by the triangular shape, lace and many other daunting looking things that make up a shawl. I had been looking for years for just the right pattern to try out and on that February 13th, found the one I wanted to try. It is a simple triangle shape with no lace and no complicated pattern repeats. It’s a shawlette (meaning a small shawl) and I had some yarn I thought would look good in the pattern. I had the needles and so thought what the heck.

The pattern is called Boneyard and I found it here. Looked simple and can be made in pretty much any type of yarn with a simple needle size adjustment.  So, on the evening of February 13, 2010 I cast on the first 5 stitches.

Here was my progress by the end of Valentine’s Day:

I made good progress and it was a good distraction from feeling lonely on that day.

I kept it up, worked on it in my spare time at night after work. I still wasn’t sure what I was really doing with the triangle shape and about two more repeats I figured out I was knitting it top down! Now I got it! It made sense to me at last. The fancy borders that have made me drool but have stopped me cold from trying those lacy shawls are done last!

So I kept going, being encouraged and urged on by my knitting friends and compadres on Plurk. Then Friday I hit a wall of depression. I hadn’t hit this kind of depression in years, the kind where you are afraid to say anything because they may make you go “see someone”. I haven’t felt so alone in a very long time. This is the kind of depression that is robbing me of sleep and the ability to eat. The one person I needed the most was completely out of reach with no way to ask for help and support. This is the kind of depression that I worry about because it is paralyzing.

But sitting on the couch next to me, buried under the box of Kleenex was my knitting. My shawl that I had been diligently working on all week. I really didn’t feel like doing it but I picked it up. Might as well do something other than stare at the TV, the computer screen and weep.

As I began to settle into the rhythm of the needles clicking and the yarn slipping through my fingers, I began to feel a small bit of peace. I felt my breathing slow down and my heart beat become regular. My mind was able to relax and focus on the patterns and colors that were emerging as I knit. I thought about my mother and how it comforted me to see her knit and now knew why. I’m sure she got the same sense of peace that I do. Mom’s birthday is coming up this week and I still miss her so much. Knitting connects me to her, I can feel her hands on my shoulders as I learn new things.

So I threw myself into this shawl and knit until late in the evening. I had one eye on the Olympics and the computer and one eye on the needles. I made significant progress and thought to myself, I can finish this tomorrow if I work on it all day.

Sleep was fitful and I found myself up and checking the phone at 4:50 am. Still no messages. I got up thinking how am I going to get through another day. I was out of coffee so I fed the cat, made some instant and settled down to knit. Finally heard from the sweetie only to hear that I wouldn’t be hearing his voice for awhile longer. I walked up to the store, got some real coffee, bagels and of course, cat food.

Then I sat down with my fresh coffee, and began to knit. I knit through out the morning and got to the point where it was time to bind off. I decided to try something else new and looked up the picot bind off technique. I thought what the heck, and started to bind off using this new technique. Turns out it was easy and by lunch time, I was half way through. I should have counted the final stitches to see how many there actually were.

After lunch I kept going and low and behold, I finished it! I actually felt excited and had to post to my Plurk friends that I finally completed it! Of course, I took pictures and posted those too.

So, the depression is still here and still pretty crippling. Don’t know how I’m going to do work tomorrow, but I suppose I will. One minute at a time as they say.

But the whole point of this is that I have one tool in my basket. My knitting; just some yarn and a couple of sticks. It let me be inside my skin while taking me away to a calmer place. To a place where it didn’t matter what I look like, whether I do or say the right things, whether I am a good person or worth the time. It was just about the work, just about the process of yarning over and slipping the stitches from one needle to the next and watching the yarn turn into something beautiful and useful. It doesn’t matter that at the moment I feel like I am neither…

Technorati Tags: heartsapocolypse,knitting,shawl,depression,mother,despair,broken hearted

Red Shawl in Progress

Well, I left the purple shawl project I posted on here at work over the long weekend. I needed something to knit so I cast on this new one. It's the same pattern as the other but I am using a totally different yarn and colorway. The yarn is Garden Yarn from Deborah Norville's new line and it is made of 100% Dralon Microfiber. It looks like cotton and feels divine! It has nice stitch definition and beautiful drape. I will be using this again.

 Here is the beginning:

Of course, Kes had to help:

And here it is Monday afternoon:

Stitch detail. (This yarn is turning out to be wonderful):

Knitting a shawl is on my knitting goals list for this year. I want to be able to make some of those really elaborate, lacy shawls but am intimidated by them. This is step one to getting to that goal.

Updates as they become available...

Darkside Cowl: Start to Finish

I had been looking for some sort of short scarf or neck warmer to wear under my winter coat for some time when I stumbled across this pattern on Ravelry. It’s called Darkside Cowl and can be found here. Darkside Cowl You do have to sign up but it’s free and an easy process. Check it out, you won’t be sorry.

I decided to try this out and found some Naturally Caron Country yarn I had in the Peacock color. I wanted to use this because it’s soft, makes a nice fabric and is machine washable and I knew it would feel good on my skin.

Here is the beginning of the project:

It only took about a week or so to complete and that was after having to rip it back because I miscounted the stitches. You do have to be careful to make sure you have a multiple of 8 stitches or your pattern will be off. I added 16 stitches because I wanted it to be pretty loose.

I used a 16 inch circular size 8 needle and that worked just fine.

I am really pleased with how this came out. It’s really soft and warm and much better than fussing with a scarf when I’m taking the bus. I think I’ll be making a few of these they are so nice and were so easy and fun to make.

Finished product:

I think these would also  make awesome gifts and if you used a more masculine color, would be great for a man too.

Technorati Tags: heartsapocolypse,knitting,cowl,darkside,caron

At last, a shawl

I have been wanting to make a shawl forever but was intimidated by the way the patterns start. I wanted to make a triangular shawl and not just a scarf style one.

I've been searching for patterns for ever and have quite a collection, but they all seemed a little too complicated for a first try.

Then I ran across this one and it seemed perfect! It's called the Boneyard and it looks easy but still has the elements that I want to learn.

I had some Caron Spa yarn, a bamboo/acrylic blend in a nice purple so that's what I decided to use.

Here is the beginning:

Caron Spa yarn I'm using: Berry Frappe

Here is the beginning:

One more shot of the start:

I'll keep you all posted... so far it's going well and I'm loving it. It's an easy pattern and I think I can do this!

The story of the purple purse…

There is a story behind this purple purse. It’s probably a bit silly and will not make sense to some of you. It does, however, represent another step on the path in my journey.

For years, I have had trouble treating myself to things I like. I only buy practical things for myself that I need. It was (and is) easy for me to buy things on a whim for the people that I love but very difficult for me to do the same for myself. I think it comes from being “last on the list”.

What is “last on the list’? Last on the list means just what it says. Other peoples needs are met first and if there is any left over (which there rarely is), it’s your turn. I am not blaming anyone but myself for this, I willingly put myself there. I enabled and even encouraged other people to put me there too.

When I got divorced about 5 years ago, everyone kept asking me “What do you want?”. I was dumbfounded because I couldn’t answer that question. I truly didn’t know.

I had spent my life wanting what other people wanted me to want. Wanting to make sure my family had what it needed, that my child was healthy and happy and the same for my husband. This women’s libber turned out to be a 1950’s housewife.

Is that a bad thing? No, it wasn’t. But what happened in the process is that I lost myself. I put who I was and what I wanted on the shelf and turned my attention to doing for others. I loved being a wife and mother, it felt like it was what I was born to be. But when the marriage failed, I was left with having to find that shelf where I put myself and my dreams.

I still haven’t found all of me and all of my dreams. I still can’t completely answer that question although I am making progress.

So where does the purple purse come in? I really needed to get myself a new purse. I went to the mall and was looking for a plain, black, nondescript purse, the kind I usually get.

I couldn’t find one. They all had big metal decorations or were made of some weird material. I just couldn’t find the right purse. I spotted this purple one and really liked it. It wasn’t black and it wasn’t practical so I didn’t even pick it up.

I must have spent an hour trying to pick out a good old black purse. I kept walking by the purple one but not seriously considering that I could buy that one.

I finally walked over to it and decided to see if they had that style in black. They didn’t. While I was looking I picked up that purple one and it dawned on me. Why can’t I buy the purple one? Who says it has to be boring and practical. This one had tons of room, had some nice of pockets and was comfortable to wear and it was 40% off. The very best thing about it was it was purple.

Before I could talk myself out of it I marched to the check out counter with my 40% off purple purse, $10 off card in hand. I waited in line, fighting the urge to go put it back. It was my turn and the gal rang up my purchase, took the discount off and put my purchase in a bag.

As I walked out of the store I felt such a sense of freedom stepping out from the back of the line and putting myself in first place. that my life doesn’t have to be filled with practical black purses but can be filled with purple, red or green purses.

When I was first thinking about this, I felt sad that I had spent so much of my life living like this. Then I realized what a gift it was to be able to take that first step towards a better life, a freer life and one filled with purple purses…

Reflections…

I have been collecting these kinds of inspirational sayings and quotes for a while now and thought I’d put them together to share. These are just a few that moved me today…

“The heart that gives, gathers” ~Marianne Moore

“Burn brightly without burning out.” ~Richard Briggs

“Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction” ~Unknown

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying... I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Ann Radmacher

“The best sermons are lived, not preached~ Cowboy Wisdom

“The only things that stand between a person and what they want in life are the will to try and the fait to believe it's possible.” ~Rich Devos

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

“To love and to be loved is to see the sun from both sides.” ~ David Viscott

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” ~ Mother Teresa

“Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

An “a-ha” moment…

I have been under a lot of stress lately what with the possibility of losing my job hanging over my head these last couple of months. This last week the dreaded layoff notice arrived via certified mail and it all hit home. I think that tipped the scales for me.

I hadn’t been able to sleep for at least a week and hadn’t been able to eat in days. By this weekend I was running on fumes. So I was in this state when I treated my very best friend in a terrible manner. I didn’t realize how stressed out and unable to cope I was. I was out of control and didn’t realize it.

I finally collapsed Saturday night and got the first good night’s sleep I'd had in weeks. When I woke up Sunday morning and realized how I’d behaved, I was so embarrassed. I immediately wrote to my friend and apologized. My friend said no apologies were necessary but of course, they were.

That afternoon I realized that I’d stopped doing the things that helped me to relieve stress. I’d be so tired when I’d get home I’d just collapse in front of the computer or the TV and do nothing. I realized l hadn’t picked up my knitting needles in a couple of weeks.

So I got the new yarn I had bought a couple of weeks ago and cast on a hat. It’s just a very simple pattern that requires little thought. Within about 20 minutes I realized that I had started to relax. My body wasn’t so tense anymore and my mind was wandering to pleasant places. I began to notice the feel of my needles in my hands and the way the way the yarn slid through my fingers. I began to relax into the rhythm of the needles as I worked the stitches, knit two, purl two. I found myself breathing more deeply, and enjoying myself. I was finally relaxed. I was actually smiling!

It was then in that moment that I realized how much I needed to do this. How much I needed to take care of myself. I had forgotten how important it is to do something to feed your soul, to replenish that which is leached away from us during everyday living.

So despite things not being settled, I woke up feeling good this morning and found myself smiling easily at people once again. I was able to see the value of what I am doing even if it may end soon. I can still make other people’s lives easier and be encouraging to them even if my own situation is precarious right now. I laughed a lot today and it felt really good.

So the lesson here, the “a-ha” moment is feed your soul. Find something that you can do to refill what the world takes from you. Read, write, play music, garden, walk, play with your dog, kiss your sweetie or knit. What you do isn’t important, it’s just important that you do something. Your world will be a better, easier place and your journey through it will be smoother.