The story of the purple purse…

There is a story behind this purple purse. It’s probably a bit silly and will not make sense to some of you. It does, however, represent another step on the path in my journey.

For years, I have had trouble treating myself to things I like. I only buy practical things for myself that I need. It was (and is) easy for me to buy things on a whim for the people that I love but very difficult for me to do the same for myself. I think it comes from being “last on the list”.

What is “last on the list’? Last on the list means just what it says. Other peoples needs are met first and if there is any left over (which there rarely is), it’s your turn. I am not blaming anyone but myself for this, I willingly put myself there. I enabled and even encouraged other people to put me there too.

When I got divorced about 5 years ago, everyone kept asking me “What do you want?”. I was dumbfounded because I couldn’t answer that question. I truly didn’t know.

I had spent my life wanting what other people wanted me to want. Wanting to make sure my family had what it needed, that my child was healthy and happy and the same for my husband. This women’s libber turned out to be a 1950’s housewife.

Is that a bad thing? No, it wasn’t. But what happened in the process is that I lost myself. I put who I was and what I wanted on the shelf and turned my attention to doing for others. I loved being a wife and mother, it felt like it was what I was born to be. But when the marriage failed, I was left with having to find that shelf where I put myself and my dreams.

I still haven’t found all of me and all of my dreams. I still can’t completely answer that question although I am making progress.

So where does the purple purse come in? I really needed to get myself a new purse. I went to the mall and was looking for a plain, black, nondescript purse, the kind I usually get.

I couldn’t find one. They all had big metal decorations or were made of some weird material. I just couldn’t find the right purse. I spotted this purple one and really liked it. It wasn’t black and it wasn’t practical so I didn’t even pick it up.

I must have spent an hour trying to pick out a good old black purse. I kept walking by the purple one but not seriously considering that I could buy that one.

I finally walked over to it and decided to see if they had that style in black. They didn’t. While I was looking I picked up that purple one and it dawned on me. Why can’t I buy the purple one? Who says it has to be boring and practical. This one had tons of room, had some nice of pockets and was comfortable to wear and it was 40% off. The very best thing about it was it was purple.

Before I could talk myself out of it I marched to the check out counter with my 40% off purple purse, $10 off card in hand. I waited in line, fighting the urge to go put it back. It was my turn and the gal rang up my purchase, took the discount off and put my purchase in a bag.

As I walked out of the store I felt such a sense of freedom stepping out from the back of the line and putting myself in first place. that my life doesn’t have to be filled with practical black purses but can be filled with purple, red or green purses.

When I was first thinking about this, I felt sad that I had spent so much of my life living like this. Then I realized what a gift it was to be able to take that first step towards a better life, a freer life and one filled with purple purses…

Reflections…

I have been collecting these kinds of inspirational sayings and quotes for a while now and thought I’d put them together to share. These are just a few that moved me today…

“The heart that gives, gathers” ~Marianne Moore

“Burn brightly without burning out.” ~Richard Briggs

“Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction” ~Unknown

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying... I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Ann Radmacher

“The best sermons are lived, not preached~ Cowboy Wisdom

“The only things that stand between a person and what they want in life are the will to try and the fait to believe it's possible.” ~Rich Devos

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

“To love and to be loved is to see the sun from both sides.” ~ David Viscott

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” ~ Mother Teresa

“Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

An “a-ha” moment…

I have been under a lot of stress lately what with the possibility of losing my job hanging over my head these last couple of months. This last week the dreaded layoff notice arrived via certified mail and it all hit home. I think that tipped the scales for me.

I hadn’t been able to sleep for at least a week and hadn’t been able to eat in days. By this weekend I was running on fumes. So I was in this state when I treated my very best friend in a terrible manner. I didn’t realize how stressed out and unable to cope I was. I was out of control and didn’t realize it.

I finally collapsed Saturday night and got the first good night’s sleep I'd had in weeks. When I woke up Sunday morning and realized how I’d behaved, I was so embarrassed. I immediately wrote to my friend and apologized. My friend said no apologies were necessary but of course, they were.

That afternoon I realized that I’d stopped doing the things that helped me to relieve stress. I’d be so tired when I’d get home I’d just collapse in front of the computer or the TV and do nothing. I realized l hadn’t picked up my knitting needles in a couple of weeks.

So I got the new yarn I had bought a couple of weeks ago and cast on a hat. It’s just a very simple pattern that requires little thought. Within about 20 minutes I realized that I had started to relax. My body wasn’t so tense anymore and my mind was wandering to pleasant places. I began to notice the feel of my needles in my hands and the way the way the yarn slid through my fingers. I began to relax into the rhythm of the needles as I worked the stitches, knit two, purl two. I found myself breathing more deeply, and enjoying myself. I was finally relaxed. I was actually smiling!

It was then in that moment that I realized how much I needed to do this. How much I needed to take care of myself. I had forgotten how important it is to do something to feed your soul, to replenish that which is leached away from us during everyday living.

So despite things not being settled, I woke up feeling good this morning and found myself smiling easily at people once again. I was able to see the value of what I am doing even if it may end soon. I can still make other people’s lives easier and be encouraging to them even if my own situation is precarious right now. I laughed a lot today and it felt really good.

So the lesson here, the “a-ha” moment is feed your soul. Find something that you can do to refill what the world takes from you. Read, write, play music, garden, walk, play with your dog, kiss your sweetie or knit. What you do isn’t important, it’s just important that you do something. Your world will be a better, easier place and your journey through it will be smoother.

They say you can't go home again...

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend a little time in the town where I went to college. It is just the next town up, about 7 miles from where I live.

This college town is home to Humboldt State University, is "green" and is smack dab in the middle of the "Emerald Triangle".  They have an All Species Day parade, hippie festivals and farmer's markets in the summer. In other words, it's groovy.

I had to ride the bus to get to my destination. This is not something new for me as mass transit is my current mode of transportation. But riding the bus in this little town is unlike any bus ride I have ever taken.

This bus has classical music playing in it. They are broadcasting the University radio station, the unmistakable groovy D.J. breaking in to give us the local happenings.

At the University stop hordes of kids, yes, to me they are kids, get on. Most look to be in their very early twenties, toting backpacks, cell phones and iPods. They chatter on as the bus takes off, sharing seats and some standing on the over-full bus.

I was struck by their energy. I'm not talking about bouncing off the walls energy but their quiet energy. The energy that comes from youth. Bright, unlined faces smiling and talking, sharing ideas and laughs, philosophy lessons and making plans for the evening ahead.

I was particularly taken by a young man and young woman who were making some kind of connection on that crowded, noisy bus. They sat across from each other, apparently continuing a conversation started at the bus stop.  He was probably in his early twenties, blonde with a full beard and a great smile. He had intelligent blue eyes that shone when he smiled, which he did often.

She was petite with short blonde hair pulled back into a cute pony tail, beautiful skin and nice blue-gray eyes. She leaned into his words and spoke animatedly with her hands and had a quick smile that flashed in her eyes.

Pretty soon it was time for her stop and they said good bye and she got off the bus. He waved to her as we drove by her.

I was fascinated by the interaction of these two people. It reminded me of how vital we were at that age, with the whole world open to us, our whole lives in front of us. How open we are before we are beaten down and scarred by our lives. By the disappointments, tragedies and monotony that can become everyday life. Before we become tired by the routines and challenges we face every day that wear us down and make us lose that spark.

Watching those two people connect on that level that existed before you learn to hide your heart and be suspicious of every new connection, reminded me that life is full. Life is full of chances and choices. Chances for new opportunities, relationships, and connections. Choices to be made that will open us up or close us down to these new experiences that will perhaps set us on a new, exciting path. A path we are meant to fulfil and perhaps exceed.

So, maybe you can't go home again but it sure is nice to be able to visit for awhile.

My first sock...

I have finally done it, knitted my very first sock. I have been coveting the ability to make beautiful, colorful socks for as long as I can remember, and now, I have done it. It's wonky, doesn't fit terribly well and there are mistakes but who cares? I made it!

About 2 years ago I bought a kit that included a book called Socks Soar on Circular Needles, one skein of plain white sock yarn, and two circular needles, all I'd need to make a pair of socks. Well, intimidation won out and I put it away.

This year I made a list of knitting goals and the top two were to learn to knit in the round and to learn to make socks. I pulled out that book several months ago and began reading it cover to cover. In the mean time I learned how to knit in the round by making some simple hats.

Last Saturday, I found a beautiful skein of sock yarn and just had to have it. I bought it and that evening, sat down with my book, needles and new skein of yarn. I only worked on this when I had time and no pressure.

Low and behold, it was working and before long I was turning the heel. Then I was trying it on to see how long I'd need to make the foot! Just this morning I finished my very first sock (see photo above)! I love this sock! I will be casting on the second one this afternoon after all my errands are done and I have some relaxed time. Pretty soon I'll have a new pair of socks to wear around the house and the tools to make more for myself and best of all, for gifts!

This is the first year I have set specific goals for myself. I chose to make them in the area of knitting because it was a way to privately improve myself and my craft. I am relishing the sense of accomplishment that I am feeling in this area of my life. I hope it carries over to other parts of my life that need it right now. I figure one small step at a time will lead me to the path I am supposed to be taking, to satisfaction and a sense of doing something worthwhile with my life.

And you thought knitting was just a hobby...

The long road to knitting in the round.

I have been knitting since I was a child when I was taught to knit by my grandmother.  I still have memories of sitting in her living room at 8 years old struggling to hold the needles in my little hands and move the yarn in the proper fashion.

I've knit off and on ever since those days and have been knitting steadily for the last 5 or 6 years. I considered myself an intermediate knitter having knit everything from basic garter stitch dishcloths to intricate cabled sweaters. 

My mother was an avid and accomplished knitter. I remember watching her fingers fly as she knit argyle socks and fair isle sweaters for my dad and for my brothers and sisters. She knit with double pointed needles and made it look effortless. She did fair isle work with a multitude of bobbins filled with all kinds of colors effortlessly.

I've done a few fair isle projects but have never managed to knit in the round. I've looked longingly at the socks other knitters seem to create by the dozens, hats that I'd love to make but were done in the round. I've tried using the double pointed needles but between flaring Carpal Tunnel and creeping arthritis, I was unable to handle all those needles.

But now, there exists a tool that I didn't have before. The Internet. The Internet has opened up worlds for me both in my knitting life and in other aspects of my life as well. With sites such as KnittingHelp and Ravelry, there is a whole new world of teachers available to knitters and available for free!

KnittingHelp has wonderful videos and a plethora of knitters of all walks of life who are generous and willing to share their knowledge to any one who asks.  The way these knitters spoke about knitting in the round, the techniques, tools and tips they share continue to amaze and help me.

It was watching the videos and reading the tips and tricks of other  knitters gave me the push to pick up my needles and give it a shot. I tried the double pointed needles and was able to actually knit in the round! It was still pretty frustrating to deal with all those needles but I was doing it.

At the beginning of this year I made myself a promise that I would tackle this once and for all. I went on a search for an easy hat in the round and after days of looking, decided to check out the groups on Ravelry. I found one called (hat of the month) that looked interesting. They had a hat called "Who?" that I decided to try using circular needles.

I got some stashed WoolEase in a nice green color and cast on. I took a deep breath, got out a number of books and figured out how to make a nice join without twisting the stitches.

OK, looked pretty good! I put a marker on and began to do the ribbing. Wow, it was really easy! And it seemed to go really fast! I moved easily through the pattern and before I knew it, had a hat! I came to the part where I was supposed to switch to double pointed needles and decided to just use two circulars instead. Low and behold, it worked beautifully! I had a hat, an honest to goodness hat, knit in the round that I didn't have to seam!

What a sense of accomplishment I feel! I feel like I've finally become a grown up knitter after 40 years of practicing this craft. I've since knit 5 or 6 hats and a cowl and can't believe I was ever afraid of doing this.

So with the help of the Internet, some good books and a little courage, I've taken the long road to knitting in the round and I tell you, I'm not looking back.

 

KnittingHelp is a free site that offers video tutorials, some patterns and an outstanding forum where you can ask questions, answer questions and post pictures of your finished items.

Ravelry is a site that offers free and for sale patterns, a place to upload your stash, needles, patterns and to organize your projects. There are a multitude of groups to join and forums to participate in. You do have to sign up and get an invite but it as of right now, it only takes about four days to process. It is well worth the wait.

Oh, and pictures will be coming soon... waiting for daylight!